Reminiscing on September 11th, 2001

For some reason I've been a lot more touched by all of the posts on social media about 9/11 this year than I have in the past. Maybe part of it is I am a lot less numb, and more open to my emotions. Maybe part of it is I have learned better how to connect with people, so the reality of what happened that day has sunk in more.

I was six years old at the time, sitting in the corner of our family room, watching Clifford, the Big Red Dog with my brother, who had just turned four. Clifford wasn't my favorite, but it was better than whatever was on the other PBS station at that given half hour.

My parents suddenly came rushing downstairs, my mom holding my baby brother. My dad took the remote and changed the channel. I protested, we had been watching first! He was turning to the news, which was boring. Suddenly I was really interested in watching Clifford.

Two really tall buildings were on fire. I probably asked what happened. I don't remember if my parents told me, or if I found out by replays of the planes hitting. I didn't care so much about my TV show anymore, and the news didn't seem quite as boring. (My parents had actually only heard about the Pentagon on the radio, they didn't find out about New York until coming downstairs)

I watched in amazement as the first tower fell. I think I actually missed most of it, I was too busy asking questions or had gotten bored of watching coverage of buildings on fire. My parents eventually went upstairs, but I was glued to the screen. Only one building was there now, and I watched that one fall. I ran upstairs to tell my mom, who was changing my brother's diaper. She just nodded sadly.

I didn't understand why she didn't rush down to see. It was exciting to my six-year old mind. It didn't occur to me that there would still be people in the buildings, they had been on fire for long enough that everyone would have gotten out, right? I was more concerned about the people that were in the planes that had crashed. I knew they didn't have a chance.

I saw the footage of the Pentagon, and the field in Pennsylvania. I was confused as to why and how a plane crashed into a field. I think that flight was the one I thought most about.

I had no idea how much my life would change that day. I actually remember very little about the world before that day. I think it made me aware of the world in general. I had last been on a plane as an infant, so had no memory of planes, I didn't even know at that point that I had ever been on one. I became scared of the idea of flying on a plane. I watched the news a lot. I wanted to know more about what happened. Keep in mind, I was SIX years old.

Shortly after it all happened I had a nightmare where a plane crashed into our driveway. I was scared that it really would happen (I really didn't have a sense of how big a plane actually is). I asked my parents what we would do if that were to happen. They tried to tell me it wouldn't, but finally calmed my fears by telling me a plane would hit our neighbor's two-story house before hitting our one-story house, let alone our driveway.

I learned a lot about patriotism. We put up our flag. There was a memorial program on TV with music and flags and speakers. It aired on EVERY CHANNEL. Well, all except one. That was an education channel and had a math program with a hand writing on a whiteboard, which I thought was funny. I thought it was incredible though that everyone would be playing the same thing, and flipped through the channels when my parents left the room.

I was sad. I was sad for the people who had died on the planes. I was sad for the people I found out didn't make it out of the buildings. I was sad the buildings had collapsed. I drew a picture on the computer of the planes hitting each location. I don't know if that file still exists. If it does, I don't currently have access to it. It somehow helped me to cope. Even years later.

This was also when I started paying attention to politics. I remember watching President Bush talking about the terrorists. I remember hearing about going to war. I thought that World War III was going to start. My uncle was deployed. Some friends moved in a couple years later whose dad was deployed.

I heard about all of these bad things, but I also heard the good stories. That the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania was supposed to crash into another building, but the people on board didn't let that happen. That people were coming together to help the families, the people in New York, and they found survivors in the rubble. People didn't go to work that day for whatever reason, and they were safe.

I still hear stories of good things that happened. One of my favorites is of the people in Gander, Newfoundland, Canada that were so hospitable to the people who were stranded in Gander because their flights were grounded there. I'd only hear that one in the past few years, after having visited Gander several times and talking about it often.

Why is it that so often it is tragedy that brings us together? It doesn't have to be something world changing like 9/11, it could be something like a timely death in the family, wildfires threatening cities, as is currently happening in my state, a person going missing.

How do we instead come together before tragedy strikes? I don't know the answer, but I have some ideas of things that I've seen bring people together for happy reasons. The arrival of a new baby, a wedding, the return of someone living away for an extended time, a weekly book or game group, a friendly sporting activity (cough, cough, including swordfighting), a graduation, a birthday or anniversary.

I hope that we can begin to bring each other together more. This world needs it, especially as it tries to pull itself apart. I know that with the right mindset we can begin to make a difference in small ways.

Do I Have a Comfort Zone?

I’m back! Since I last posted I’ve served a mission, gotten an amazing job with an amazing company, and have learned a lot of things about being an adult. It has had its ups and downs, but on a whole, it has been wonderful. These things considered, I’ve decided to rename my blog. While I may still be young, most would not consider me a “youth” anymore. (Though in elf years, I’m yet a wee one!)

It remains to be seen with this rebranding how much the content will change. I know I have gone through several transformations in the almost three and a half years it’s been since I last wrote here. I know for sure some of the changes, but I’ll let you as the reader discover them.

Now the title of this post. “Do I have a comfort zone?” It seems an odd question. Most people would say “Of course I do. And I don't go outside of it often enough. Don’t you?” One of the greatest compliments someone has given me is that I am always outside my comfort zone. At first, I wasn't sure if it was a compliment or not. Then he explained that I am constantly pushing myself and am almost never in my comfort zone.

That was over two years ago. I have taken that in stride and realized that has been the case through much of my life. I was talking to my dad about comfort zones yesterday and asked him, “Is it odd that I feel most comfortable outside my comfort zone?” An awesome conversation ensued, and I felt like I gained some knowledge about myself.

I don’t like the feeling I get when I am stagnant. When you think about a stagnant pool of water not only is it not moving, it is allowing bacteria and other harmful organisms to grow. When we stop learning, growing, and progressing we allow harmful things to grow and fester within ourselves. These could be emotions, ideas, or thoughts about ourselves. I want to do what I can to not only prevent these from growing, but getting rid of what I’ve already acquired. I have been so much happier since I’ve started taking steps towards that.

My dad had heard from a friend that they didn’t think they had a comfort zone anymore, they had been outside of it for so long. I feel like this could be the case with me, but there is a place that I tend to feel safe. Somewhere that I can go to regain my energy to keep doing those things that stretch and grow me. If you stretch constantly for too long you are going to tear. You have to give yourself a chance to regroup.

One of my favorite memes is really simple, yet profound. In fact…

I have always wanted to be in that place where the magic happens. Often when I face something uncomfortable I have reminded myself about that meme, because I know what it depicts is true. Now, if I don’t have a comfort zone, that means that the magic can happen all around me!

My dad pointed out that as I felt, we do need a zone to heal. That doesn’t mean that we linger there, more that we stay there only as long as we need to because we want to get back out and discover what the world holds in store for us. I’m excited to see what I’ll find now that I am discovering this.

Adventure is waiting!

Growing Up

It's been a few months since I've posted. I've been working out of state in a commercial kitchen for three months with limited internet access, and I wouldn't have traded that experience for the world. I've learned so much about myself, about others, and about life.

I don't even know where to begin.

I learned that I really am a social person. Growing up as a child being homeschooled you hear a lot of concern for your 'socialization' and you always wonder a little bit if you fit into your peer groups, but then again, I'm sure that happens to everyone. I used to think that I didn't fit in well with people my age. I worked well with people my parents' age, I am rather mature for my age and can comfortably talk with those older than me. I worked well with people younger than me, because I am mature I realized how much of an influence I have over those younger than me, and tried to use that influence for good, being a leader. But because I am a little more mature, I felt like I didn't mesh very well with most people my age, and that therefore I wasn't a very social person. I was very worried when I left that I would go off by myself a lot, and not interact with the people around me. I was very surprised when I realized that I was spending a lot of time with other people, and hadn't even touched Les Miserables. Talking to some people, I found out that they couldn't even tell that I was homeschooled, like they could with other people they knew. They were even surprised that I, and another girl there were homeschooled. (Proof that just because you're homeschooled, doesn't mean you're awkward, there are awkward public-schoolers too). I discovered that even if I don't talk very much, I still like being around people, and once I get to know someone I really open up.

I learned that it's OK to let yourself loose. I was so uptight and shy when I got there, and it prevented me from connecting with people quickly. I thought I was up there to do a job, and I was going to do it, and do it as well as I could, which meant no goofing off whatsoever. I had a hard time even talking while working because I was concentrating on what I was doing so much. It was through some wonderful people that I learned that I can have fun while working, lighten up, and still get the job done as well or better. It can even make you go faster, which in turn gives you more time to make the job fun. "In every job that must be done there is an element of fun. You find the fun and SNAP! The job's a game!" -Mary Poppins. We had a lot of 'sneaking' dishes into the sink, refusing to get off mats because they were being 'stolen,' arguments about the dark side, and so forth. I learned that you don't have to be totally mature all of the time. Part of maturity is knowing when it is OK to be immature. "...Men are that they might have joy." -2 Nephi 2:25. It's important to be mature and do what is right, but you can still do what is right and have fun. Because I learned to loosen up I created memories that I'll have with me for a long time. I'm now also a trained ninja assassin.

I learned that even if someone bugs you, a lot, you can get over that and still be friends. There were a few people up there that when I first met them really annoyed me. I don't like the feeling of disliking someone, and so I really tried to become friends with them. And you know what? It was really hard. It took a long time, but I learned to look past the things that bugged me, and look for the positive qualities they had. I may not have become really good friends with them, but we did become friends, and even had fun together, at least I think we did... I did at least.

There is so much else I could write about, but I'd better stop now and go have some FUN!

Tender Mercies

I had the opportunity to attend youth conference with my stake this week. I also have had the opportunity to help plan the conference over several months. Because I was in on the planning (I was one of ten youth helping to plan it) I wasn't sure how much I would get out of it because I was in on most of the 'surprises.' But the Lord gave me, and showed me, many tender mercies during this youth conference.

We were split up into 14 'families' of various sizes. I thought that I would know about 4 out of 12 youth in mine, and then two of those people didn't end up coming. There ended up being seven youth in my family (including me) that came, two of which I didn't know. I ended up actually knowing more people than I thought I did, I just didn't recognize them by name. One person I realized later my brother knew a few years ago, and had driven him nuts then. It was a tender mercy to me that I didn't know that, because I got to know them now, without any bias, and found them to be a really nice person (and my brother agrees at this point too).

We had some waterfront time, and I had decided to take my camera on the water so I could take some pictures. I had a plastic bag to put it in to keep it dry if my camera bag happened to get wet. The canoes we were in were lighter than the ones that I'm used to, and therefore aren't as stable. My brother and I happened to be in the same canoe (we didn't plan to do that) with someone else on my 'family.' We were moving along and managed to get someone to ram into us. The boat leaned far to the left, and I tried to shift my weight to the right, but we still tipped too far and the canoe capsized. Fortunately we all had life-jackets on, and were able to stay afloat. The rescue boat came and got us and took us to shore. I took my camera out and realized that water had gotten inside the plastic bag, the same thing happened to my brother. Fortunately the cameras only got wet, and not submerged so they should (hopefully) work okay as long as we get all the moisture out.
I got wondering why the Lord hadn't warned me not to take my camera on the water, but then I realized that I probably wouldn't (or didn't) pay attention to that thought because I had already had decided to take it, and I didn't plan on getting in the water. Fortunately I had planned for getting in the water, and had the bag and had packed extra clothes. I realized that the Lord probably prompted me to remember to put the camera in the bag, because I didn't have it in earlier so I could get to it easier. I either was prompted to take a picture shortly before waterfront, or was just prompted to put it in the bag when we got there, I can't remember which at this point.
I'm grateful that the Lord gave me that tender mercy, so I just have a funny story to tell later without a tragedy connected to it.

I guess I have a thing for high adventure stuff. I went to a leadership camp last month where we did a lot of it. Heights don't seem to bother me if I'm harnessed to a rope with a belay. The main challenge course at the camp we went to is a zip-line (there are other, smaller ones too). I had done the exact course before (they have multiple zip-lines) and so I knew I would do fine on it. I made sure everyone else went before I did so if anyone couldn't do it, it would be someone who had done it before. There were several people who freaked out a little while walking across the beam to get to the zip-line platform or on the platform itself, which was to be expected, heights scare a lot of people, and there were a few who refused to go on the zip-line, and had to get off another way. Because I don't really get freaked out by that I didn't know what I would get out of it besides a fun ride.
I climbed up the telephone pole so fast that the person in front of me was still hooking up to the zip-line when I reached the top, so I had to wait a second to cross the beam. I was wondering if crossing the beam would unnerve me at all, but it didn't seem to phase me. I walked across so fast that the person in front would still be on the zip-line for a minute, so the missionary prepping people for the zip-line had me walk backwards on the beam for fun! That was really cool for me. Then when I could finally go on the zip-line I had a little trepidation before I jumped off, (a good reminder/reassurance that I was still human) but was only standing on the edge for a second before I took a deep breath and jumped as the missionary told me to take a leap of faith. The zip-line was a blast and I got to touch the pole on the other end with my hand, which I couldn't do the last time I had done it.
I was grateful for the several tender mercies I was given in that experience, walking backwards, incredible balance and speed, jumping off so fast, and touching the pole.


The second night of the youth conference we had a testimony meeting. The testimonies that were borne were so touching, and it reassured me that everything we had planned did touch and change people, which I was starting to get anxious about a few days before the conference. There were several people who got up who I would not have expected to get up. I was content to sit and listen because it was so good, though I felt that I could have gotten up too. The stake president finally got up and said that after those who were up to go next were done we would end and go to bed, but we would have another opportunity the next night to bear testimony, which was not scheduled, but we could fit in. The next night was just as good as the last, and testimonies were borne for two hours and ten minutes. As I was sitting on the stand waiting to bear mine, I realized that I had originally wanted to end the youth conference with a testimony meeting, which hadn't worked out, but ended up happening anyway.
This is probably my favorite of all the tender mercies I was given over the youth conference. That I knew that what we had done had made a difference, and that we ended the conference the way I had originally wanted it to end (maybe it was inspiration earlier?).


The Lord loves us so much, and gives us so many tender mercies. If we look for them (not seek, there's a difference) we will see them all around us. The fact that I was able to see all of these is a tender mercy in and of itself. Once I was shown one I was able to find so many more, and it made youth conference all the more special for me. These are just a sample of what the Lord did for me, and I think that I have yet to find all of them from this youth conference. I know that if I just look out for them I will find so many in my everyday life.


What tender mercies have you seen in your own life?

Life After Death

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine passed their little 3 year-old boy into his Heavenly Father's arms after a battle with leukemia. I had heard something the week before indicating he was really not doing well, and wondered if it might only be a matter of time. I still wasn't prepared for it when I heard that he had passed, it wasn't a surprise, but it still gave me some shock. Because my mom is the funeral coordinator for the ward I was involved in getting ready for the luncheon. I was busy enough that it didn't really sink in for the first few days.

I never cry at funerals. I think I may have forced tears at my great-grandmother's funeral, but I was still kind of young. I didn't think that I would be crying at this one at all and didn't have any Kleenex, which ended up being a mistake. I was getting choked up during the opening hymn, “I Know That My Redeemer Lives” (#136 in the LDS hymnbook), The message was just so beautiful. It is sad that he did not get to live a long, full life. But it is such a blessing to know that he will live again, and that his parents will have the opportunity to raise him. I could also barely sing the closing hymn, “Families Can Be Together Forever” (#300) It's sad that his sisters won't grow up with him, and I know that they miss him, but it is a comfort to know that they can be with him eternally after this life.

It is such a blessing to know that he is no longer suffering, and has, as the hospice nurse quoted him as saying, “no more owies.” That family will have a little angel watching over them. His father miraculously was able to speak at the funeral, and said that he believes that little children like that volunteered to have a 'broken body' and go through all that suffering, and are too pure to stay on the earth. Honestly, that family is such a strength to me. I can't, and don't want to, imagine what they must be going through right now. They are carrying through with so much courage, and I know it is the Lord that holds them up. The mother was telling a group I was in a story about how she had to comfort someone she had told about her son. They know that they have an eternal family, and that they will be able to raise their son during the millennium. This is one of the many things that brings them strength.

It is quite interesting having this happen during the Easter season. It has given me a real reason to rejoice in the reason for the holiday. I mean, it was still applicable before, but I can really see now how much comfort the message brings now. The miracle of the resurrection, and the hope for a better life in the hereafter. So many times when I have thought of the resurrection I have thought of this little boy and his family. The passing of a child really makes you wake up to an eternal perspective.

I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that because he lives this little boy, and everyone else, can live again. Death is not the end, it is merely a step in the process to Eternal Life. Families can be together forever. I know that God has plans for each of us. I know that He loves each and every one of us, and knows us by name. I know that He cares, and will give us those things that we need. I know that if we are faithful we can be like Him someday. I say these things in the name of my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, amen.