Reminiscing on September 11th, 2001

For some reason I've been a lot more touched by all of the posts on social media about 9/11 this year than I have in the past. Maybe part of it is I am a lot less numb, and more open to my emotions. Maybe part of it is I have learned better how to connect with people, so the reality of what happened that day has sunk in more.

I was six years old at the time, sitting in the corner of our family room, watching Clifford, the Big Red Dog with my brother, who had just turned four. Clifford wasn't my favorite, but it was better than whatever was on the other PBS station at that given half hour.

My parents suddenly came rushing downstairs, my mom holding my baby brother. My dad took the remote and changed the channel. I protested, we had been watching first! He was turning to the news, which was boring. Suddenly I was really interested in watching Clifford.

Two really tall buildings were on fire. I probably asked what happened. I don't remember if my parents told me, or if I found out by replays of the planes hitting. I didn't care so much about my TV show anymore, and the news didn't seem quite as boring. (My parents had actually only heard about the Pentagon on the radio, they didn't find out about New York until coming downstairs)

I watched in amazement as the first tower fell. I think I actually missed most of it, I was too busy asking questions or had gotten bored of watching coverage of buildings on fire. My parents eventually went upstairs, but I was glued to the screen. Only one building was there now, and I watched that one fall. I ran upstairs to tell my mom, who was changing my brother's diaper. She just nodded sadly.

I didn't understand why she didn't rush down to see. It was exciting to my six-year old mind. It didn't occur to me that there would still be people in the buildings, they had been on fire for long enough that everyone would have gotten out, right? I was more concerned about the people that were in the planes that had crashed. I knew they didn't have a chance.

I saw the footage of the Pentagon, and the field in Pennsylvania. I was confused as to why and how a plane crashed into a field. I think that flight was the one I thought most about.

I had no idea how much my life would change that day. I actually remember very little about the world before that day. I think it made me aware of the world in general. I had last been on a plane as an infant, so had no memory of planes, I didn't even know at that point that I had ever been on one. I became scared of the idea of flying on a plane. I watched the news a lot. I wanted to know more about what happened. Keep in mind, I was SIX years old.

Shortly after it all happened I had a nightmare where a plane crashed into our driveway. I was scared that it really would happen (I really didn't have a sense of how big a plane actually is). I asked my parents what we would do if that were to happen. They tried to tell me it wouldn't, but finally calmed my fears by telling me a plane would hit our neighbor's two-story house before hitting our one-story house, let alone our driveway.

I learned a lot about patriotism. We put up our flag. There was a memorial program on TV with music and flags and speakers. It aired on EVERY CHANNEL. Well, all except one. That was an education channel and had a math program with a hand writing on a whiteboard, which I thought was funny. I thought it was incredible though that everyone would be playing the same thing, and flipped through the channels when my parents left the room.

I was sad. I was sad for the people who had died on the planes. I was sad for the people I found out didn't make it out of the buildings. I was sad the buildings had collapsed. I drew a picture on the computer of the planes hitting each location. I don't know if that file still exists. If it does, I don't currently have access to it. It somehow helped me to cope. Even years later.

This was also when I started paying attention to politics. I remember watching President Bush talking about the terrorists. I remember hearing about going to war. I thought that World War III was going to start. My uncle was deployed. Some friends moved in a couple years later whose dad was deployed.

I heard about all of these bad things, but I also heard the good stories. That the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania was supposed to crash into another building, but the people on board didn't let that happen. That people were coming together to help the families, the people in New York, and they found survivors in the rubble. People didn't go to work that day for whatever reason, and they were safe.

I still hear stories of good things that happened. One of my favorites is of the people in Gander, Newfoundland, Canada that were so hospitable to the people who were stranded in Gander because their flights were grounded there. I'd only hear that one in the past few years, after having visited Gander several times and talking about it often.

Why is it that so often it is tragedy that brings us together? It doesn't have to be something world changing like 9/11, it could be something like a timely death in the family, wildfires threatening cities, as is currently happening in my state, a person going missing.

How do we instead come together before tragedy strikes? I don't know the answer, but I have some ideas of things that I've seen bring people together for happy reasons. The arrival of a new baby, a wedding, the return of someone living away for an extended time, a weekly book or game group, a friendly sporting activity (cough, cough, including swordfighting), a graduation, a birthday or anniversary.

I hope that we can begin to bring each other together more. This world needs it, especially as it tries to pull itself apart. I know that with the right mindset we can begin to make a difference in small ways.

How Will You Tell Your Story?

Something that has really stood out to me lately are stories. I've run into more writers lately, just by happenstance, but I've also talked to a number of people that wouldn't call themselves writers, but have a story to share and are trying to find a way to do so.

My opinion is that everyone has a story to share. The way they share that story however, will not always be the same as anyone else. Some people, like myself, write stories. We take principles and situations and put it in a fictional setting. We take the things that we have learned through the school of hard knocks and put it in a format for people to read, while disguising some of the details and/or names. The joke goes around to not get on the bad side of a writer, they will find a way to put you in a book and kill you. While there hasn't been anyone in real life I've wanted to kill off in a story, there have been hard situations I've been in that I want to include in my writing so that others can learn from them and not have to go through the same thing.

Other people are verbal storytellers. They love to be in front of an audience and tell their stories. They use gestures, actions, and facial cues to help show what they want to share. Oftentimes they will record these stories, whether on an audio or actually filming themselves telling their stories.

Another fairly common way people tell the story inside of them is through acting. Whether through movies or the stage, people love to tell stories through acting, and people love to watch. Personally, this is another one off my favorites, and I have actually written a play. I just can't decide which role in it I'd want to play!

Some other storytelling methods seem more abstract. Music is often used to tell a story. How many songs do you love because you relate to them so much? The music doesn't even have to have lyrics. Think of movie soundtracks, think of the great composers. I know that I've created pictures in my head while listening to Beethoven's fifth symphony, even before seeing Fantasia do it.

Speaking of pictures, that can be another way stories are told. Whether actual photographs, or other modes, such as painting or drawing. This weekend I helped at an event, which I knew some of the storyline, but seeing the pictures afterwards (I was only there for a few hours on the second day of the event) a whole new portion of the storyline came to light, and it was epic! It made me sad I hadn't been there for all of it!

One of my favorites that is a little less common is role playing. Much like acting in a play, but where there is no script, or you are given a lot of leeway on how to get to a plot point. The event I was helping with this weekend was a simulation, where I was a captain in the villain army. I knew that in the end I would end up dead on the battlefield, but I also knew that in the meantime I would provide a formidable roadblock for the heroines (little girls in this case) in achieving their goals of saving their king, and I had a bit of leeway in how I did that. Other role playing things I have done are tabletop games (RPGs such as Dungeons and Dragons) where you have a character working with others to complete quests that an overseeing player gives them, and live action role play (or LARP) which is similar to a simulation, but doesn't necessarily have a specific way it will end, but with the character and cooperation aspect of RPGs.

Other modes I'm thinking of at the moment that tell stories: Sculpture (including clay, composite, carving, smithing, origami, etc.), dance, architecture, gardening and landscaping, cooking, blogging (which can combine several of these methods), board and video games, and I know there are others.

Which method is your favorite? What have I not covered that deserves a mention?

Lessons from a Duel

So, I challenged a friend to a duel last weekend, or an honor battle as we call it in our swordfighting group. I never expected to learn so many lessons from what some might consider silly or unwise.

It all started when I updated my cover photo on Facebook to a picture of my friend Jarom and I swordfighting. Another friend made a comment about the event we were at, and eventually Jarom claimed I couldn't and hadn't beat him at all (His persona at this event was a barbarian god-king).

I posted a picture that I took at the event after I had defeated him, which he claimed was photoshopped. I posted a second picture I took as a second witness, which he also claimed I edited. (Lesson #1, don't argue with trollers 😂)

So, since he wasn't dropping it, I decided to actually edit a photo so not only was he defeated, I was in a victorious stance. We bantered back and forth, and I finally challenged him to an honor battle. He had besmirched my honor. We both knew who was right, and that I could defeat him. He readily accepted.

We took it off of Facebook at that point. I realized that we'd need to agree on weapons, since we both know multiple rules on them. I thought I remembered that the person challenged got to choose weapons, and looked up the rules on dueling. Sure enough, he got to pick. I also learned a lot more details on dueling, those will be useful to me as an author...

In my research I learned more about a couple of people on our currency. I had already known that Alexander Hamilton (on the $10 bill) was killed in a duel, but what I didn't know was that Andrew Jackson (on the $20 bill) was a bit of a duelist himself. No one knows for sure, but it is estimated he participated anywhere from 10 to 100 duels. I connected myself more to Jackson, since he had won duels. I felt more of a connection to both of them as this experience went on.

The feelings and emotions soon started to hit.

Fear
Could I really beat him in a duel in front of a bunch of people? (He was kind enough to plant that one) Was I making a terrible mistake? What would happen if I lost? What would happen if I won?

Anger
Who did he think he was, posting untruths on my Facebook page? (Granted, it was only in the comments) Why wouldn't he drop it? He and I are actually fantastic friends, and I knew he was doing it in jest, and I was egging him on as well, so this feeling didn't last long at all. I think most of it came from the character I was playing, who was mad at the god-king of the barbarians anyway.

Confidence
Heck yeah I could beat him! I had killed him with my limp arm that day! How many times had I beaten him one on one? About 50%! If nothing else, we had agreed to fight twice! I knew he saw me as a formidable opponent. I was in the right, that meant that I had truth on my side as well!

Embarrassment
What was I doing? Anyone watching must have thought I was crazy! Why was I telling people about this? Should I call it off? But what would that say about me?

Sadness
This one really started to hit the day before and the day of the duel. Why did I feel like I had to fight one of my best friends? Would this hurt our friendship? Things seemed funny at work sometimes (no duh?).

I was grateful to recognize each of these as they came. It was valuable to see how they affected me, and what triggered them. I try to study my emotions not only for myself, but to make me a better writer and author. There was one other extremely important one, but I'll address that later.

I knew that I needed to visualize a positive outcome, victory! As this all was happening we were actually working at an event that teaches positive mindset. I tried to see myself striking the winning blow, and what would happen afterwards, but my writer brain wanted to see all the possibilities. "Thank you brain, I will file that for future use in a story . . . That one too, but let's focus on this outcome please." I have some work to do there...

My manager helped me with this by posing a figure in a victorious stance and labeling it:

Rebecca

Victory

over Jarom

Jarom actually suggested that I hire a skilled fighter in our group to train me, because he already had. My pride rejected the idea (I didn't need that!), but I seriously considered it. I knew it would be valuable, and I had previously considered hiring this person anyway. I contacted him that night, and we arranged to meet the next day. (I challenged Jarom on Thursday, the fight was on Tuesday)

The morning we were going to train I was feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing as I was doing my daily declarations, statements of who I am. My first one is "I am good enough." That one had actually been getting me down lately because I wanted to be more than good enough. As I said it that morning though, it took on a new meaning. "I am good enough. . . to beat Jarom!" I knew my mindset needed to be positive, and this was going to help immensely with it. It also helped me with that declaration in general.

Training proved to be incredibly valuable. Not only did I learn shots to throw, I learned swordfighting mindset. I had figured some stuff out on my own over the almost two years I've done swordfighting, and picked up some tips here and there from others, but having a mentor or teacher really makes a difference. Just by the outcome of our spars I could tell I was improving. On top of that, he gave me some specific pointers to fight Jarom. Talk about a confidence boost!

Talking to Jarom the next day, he mentioned he hadn't decided yet if he was going to win or not, how hard he was going to fight. I wasn't about to tell him to go all out, though I decided I could still beat him if he did. That had an effect on my mindset, scaring me, giving me hope, and making me more determined all at the same time.

One thing I was grateful for, was though we would talk trash up until the duel, we could still work together effectively, and we were still friends. I had an issue I needed to solve at work, and he helped me find a solution as if nothing had ever happened. I tried to do the same. This reinforced a skill I already have been working on as a writer, separating stories from real life. There are principles to learn from stories for sure, but you can't live inside of them. You have to separate yourself from a character you are connected to, whether that is someone in a book you are reading (or writing), or a role-playing character, as was the case here.

The ironic part? The day of the fight as we were playing games before our duel Jarom and I ended up on the same team most of the time. At one point when we were both waiting to jump back into a game he said something that really got me thinking. "You know there won't be a winner, right?"

At first I thought he was saying that because we had an even number of fights planned, but he explained what I had been thinking earlier that was making me sad, that it meant one of us had to lose, which could harm our friendship, and we'd both lose.

The moment finally came. Everyone circled up around us and we explained why we were having an honor battle. In the process, he admitted that he was lying and the pictures were real, but we were still going to fight. I felt vindicated, my honor had been restored, but I still wanted to win the fight.

Everyone started chanting, the cameras started rolling, and we tapped swords. Ultimately, he won both fights (with some incredible moves I must say), but I also felt that I had fought well. I felt a bit deflated, and it really hit me the next day, but we congratulated each other and our friendship was back to normal.

Some of the other lessons I learned, but not necessarily thorough a particular instance were:

• The importance of integrity: Because I knew that I had been truthful (other than the third image I actually edited) I knew I had a footing to stand on. I also realized that the one falsified image, though done in fun, weakened my position. I was still fully truthful after that, but it tainted my argument and I had to be careful about how I worded things to make sure what I was saying was true.
• The importance of support: Though at times I felt ridiculous, I kept telling people about the adventure I was on. I was pleasantly surprised about the amount of support I was receiving, and I even had someone tell me "you'd better win!" I felt that nearly everyone was on my side, they had sympathy, but no matter the outcome they would support me. Even Jarom was supportive!
• The importance of humility: Had I practiced a bit more humility to begin with this whole thing wouldn't have even happened. I could have just dropped the conversation. There are much better ways to resolve things than by a physical fight, and I think a lot of the world today forgets that. We don't have duels like we used to, but we still have violence for a lot of the same seemingly petty reasons. The violent way things are often resolved now can often catch others in the crossfire. Also, had I not practiced humility and gotten some training I would not have the skills I do now, nor would I have fared as well in our battle.

Throughout the whole experience I felt a great sense of gratitude. Gratitude that I could be learning some of these life lessons in a safe manner, that wouldn't have a drastic negative consequence, but many lasting good ones. (That's what play is for, isn't it?) I didn't actually die is a great result! Grateful that when needed, we could put aside our funny little squabble and get things done, or just have a mutual respect for one another and normal conversation. Grateful that we were both able to be quick to forgive, and give kudos to each other.

In summery, here are most of the lessons I learned:

• Don't argue with trollers
• How duels work(ed)
• History on some founding fathers
• The impact of emotions
• Positive visualization
• Positive mindset (I am good enough, etc.)
• Swordfighting skills
• Separation of story from real life
• Importance of practice (I practiced a lot with my siblings up to the battle)
• How valuable friendship is
• Better ways to resolve things
• Importance of integrity
• Importance of support
• Importance of humility

It was a lot of fun, though I'm glad it's over and don't necessarily recommend challenging your friend to a duel. We are having fun sharing the videos and watching the footage to further improve. I've received a lot of unsolicited consolation, which has helped me continue to feel that support I felt leading up to the duel. I feel joy in the ultimate outcome: No hard feelings, lessons learned, skills increased, a good time had, and many of our friends entertained.

Passions

What are you passionate about? This can be an interesting question because in can be interpreted a lot of different ways. I'm not talking about things you're interested in or just like doing, I'm talking about things that stir your soul.

Upon looking up the word "passionate" in the dictionary this is the first result I receive: "Showing or expressing strong beliefs, interest, or enthusiasm." (There are other uses for this word that are related, but my focus today is using this definition.) Some things that I have determined I am passionate about are first and foremost my relationship with my Heavenly Father as well as my Savior, writing, and music. There are others, but these are the ones in my mind that mean the most to me right now.

The one that I'll focus on most is writing, which I think in large portion really comes down to storytelling for me. I've been telling stories for as long as I can remember, whether verbally, through acting, through daydreaming, or thorough writing. I remember writing my first "book" when I was about three years old. I drew the pictures, stapled them together, and had my parents transcribe my description. It was about a dinosaur named Harry who was sad because while all the other dinosaurs were hairy, he hadn't had a single hair come in yet (My three year old self probably knew dinosaurs didn't grow hair, but my imagination grasped the idea of "what if?"). By the end of the book he was starting to grow hair and was so excited. I even wrote a sequel!

The interesting thing about the fact that I love writing is that my spelling used to be terrible. Even though I've loved stories and reading from a very young age the actual writing aspect was a struggle for a long time. Spellcheck was my best friend, and even then it sometimes couldn't figure out the word I was trying to spell. In the three times I participated in the spelling bee I went out in the first round twice. It wasn't until I was fourteen that I had much confidence in my ability to spell. That was the last year that I could do the spelling bee, and I lost the tiebreaker for third place, taking fourth! The really funny part? The words I missed were "falsetto" and "vibrato," both music related words.

Did I let my struggling spelling skills hold me back? No! I continued to create stories, whether I actually wrote them or not. I went to events at my local library with guest authors and wished that there was even a chance for aspiring writers to earn enough money to make a living. The idea of being an author greatly appealed to me, but I thought it was impractical. (Did I bother asking the guest authors? Er, no.)

I pushed away the idea for years. I just didn't see it as possible. I was still a kid, and I was letting stigmas crush my dreams, though I didn't see it at the time. Do. Not. Let. Your. Dreams. Be. Crushed. Had I truly believed in my passion (though I didn't realize then that's what it was) at the time I could be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am in my current skill level. I'm grateful for where I am, and for how I got here, but now I know that I want my children to grow up knowing that it is okay to follow their wholesome passions. The most important thing though is that I didn't let the idea die. There was still a part of me that longed to write and create.

Part of what makes it a passion to me is the fulfillment I feel when I am doing it. I feel so much myself. It brings me great joy, not just fleeting happiness. Especially when I can look back at a finished project, or even just a project that I've worked on a lot. The fact that I created something so cool, even when it is a collaborative effort, brings me great joy and satisfaction.

I could go on and on, but let's look at another passion of mine, music. What about music makes it a passion? I think the biggest thing is they way it makes me feel, much like writing. I feel so much joy when I sing, or play my violin, or listen to wholesome music. Sometimes I'm not as focused on the words or the notes as I would like, but I still love what I am doing.

Another thing that brings the joy into my passions is the connection that I feel to my Heavenly Father. In music I can sing His praises, or remember that He is always there for me. I feel His power even when listening to music that might be considered secular, because it relates to my life. This is one reason I am very selective of the music that I listen to, because I can feel it when the song drives away the Spirit. When that happens that song gets deleted or skipped, even if I previously really enjoyed the song, though I tend to keep those a bit longer to make sure it wasn't just my mood that day or misunderstanding the lyrics (it usually isn't, but it has been in a few cases).

In my writing, I feel connected to my Heavenly Father because I am using the creative powers He has given me, creating worlds like He has, though on a much, much smaller scale. I learn the importance of agency as I allow my characters to make mistakes. When I let them go through hard things because I know the growth they will go through I better see how God does the same thing for me, and it makes my trials a little bit easier to bear.

My passions bring me joy. More so than other things that are more of an interest. Does that mean those things can't become passions? No, but as of right now they are hobbies, not passions. Does the fact that I'm passionate about something mean it's always easy or I always want to work on it? No! Sometimes I really don't want to work on it, even though I know that it will help me, or something needs to get done. But it is in those times that I go through the most growth, even if I don't see it for a while.

What are you passionate about? What brings you the most joy? How does it better connect you with heaven?

Do I Have a Comfort Zone?

I’m back! Since I last posted I’ve served a mission, gotten an amazing job with an amazing company, and have learned a lot of things about being an adult. It has had its ups and downs, but on a whole, it has been wonderful. These things considered, I’ve decided to rename my blog. While I may still be young, most would not consider me a “youth” anymore. (Though in elf years, I’m yet a wee one!)

It remains to be seen with this rebranding how much the content will change. I know I have gone through several transformations in the almost three and a half years it’s been since I last wrote here. I know for sure some of the changes, but I’ll let you as the reader discover them.

Now the title of this post. “Do I have a comfort zone?” It seems an odd question. Most people would say “Of course I do. And I don't go outside of it often enough. Don’t you?” One of the greatest compliments someone has given me is that I am always outside my comfort zone. At first, I wasn't sure if it was a compliment or not. Then he explained that I am constantly pushing myself and am almost never in my comfort zone.

That was over two years ago. I have taken that in stride and realized that has been the case through much of my life. I was talking to my dad about comfort zones yesterday and asked him, “Is it odd that I feel most comfortable outside my comfort zone?” An awesome conversation ensued, and I felt like I gained some knowledge about myself.

I don’t like the feeling I get when I am stagnant. When you think about a stagnant pool of water not only is it not moving, it is allowing bacteria and other harmful organisms to grow. When we stop learning, growing, and progressing we allow harmful things to grow and fester within ourselves. These could be emotions, ideas, or thoughts about ourselves. I want to do what I can to not only prevent these from growing, but getting rid of what I’ve already acquired. I have been so much happier since I’ve started taking steps towards that.

My dad had heard from a friend that they didn’t think they had a comfort zone anymore, they had been outside of it for so long. I feel like this could be the case with me, but there is a place that I tend to feel safe. Somewhere that I can go to regain my energy to keep doing those things that stretch and grow me. If you stretch constantly for too long you are going to tear. You have to give yourself a chance to regroup.

One of my favorite memes is really simple, yet profound. In fact…

I have always wanted to be in that place where the magic happens. Often when I face something uncomfortable I have reminded myself about that meme, because I know what it depicts is true. Now, if I don’t have a comfort zone, that means that the magic can happen all around me!

My dad pointed out that as I felt, we do need a zone to heal. That doesn’t mean that we linger there, more that we stay there only as long as we need to because we want to get back out and discover what the world holds in store for us. I’m excited to see what I’ll find now that I am discovering this.

Adventure is waiting!

Thoughts from a Stake Valentines Dance

Last night I attended a Valentines dance that my stake put on. Both youth and adults were invited so I took my younger brother since my parents weren't feeling well. Dances aren't usually my favorite as I love to ballroom dance, even though I don't know much, and not many people know any or will dance it. I prefer the slow dances because even if I don't know the song I can be talking to someone. Or at least, that's how it used to be...

While I was working out of state I learned how to loosen up and dance with my upper body, instead of just doing dance steps (not a whole lot of dance space behind a grill). This made the fast dances that I didn't know much more enjoyable. The slow dances were actually the less enjoyable part because there were not many youth at all so there was no one to dance with. (And none of them were waltzes, which I will dance by myself.) I had made the determination before I ever went to a stake dance not to ever do the jump up and down with your fist in the air dancing. Unfortunately this caused me to avoid using my arms for almost anything while dancing. I am so glad that I have been able to learn a more fun way to dance, and have gotten over my inhibitions.

I never thought that I would be selected to participate in a disco competition. They played a disco song, and after everyone had danced they had a few people select their favorite disco dancer and had a small dance off. With all the adults there who had actually lived through the disco era I didn't expect to be chosen, but one of the judges came up to me and had me go up. She mentioned that disco was a 'little' before my time, and I agreed with her. She mentioned that disco was during her high school years, and that she thought it was fun.

I came to the realization that just because it doesn't come from your era doesn't mean that it isn't fun. This can apply to people of all ages. The younger people can learn to appreciate things from eras before them, that just because they are 'old' doesn't mean they are dumb or embarrassing. The not as young people can learn to accept and perhaps enjoy some of the newer things. They aren't too strange or too difficult. There are things in every era that perhaps could/should do without, but there are also things that are worth keeping.

I was resting during one of the slow dances and had a chance to look out at all of the couples dancing on the floor. I thought it was so cute to see all of the couples dancing close to each other, it was so tender. I want to be that way with my husband whenever it might be that I get married. I wouldn't do that while I'm still single, but that is a beautiful part of marriage.

I didn't think that I could learn so much from a stake dance, but it just goes to show that if you live your life so you are always learning, any experience can teach you something unexpected.

Growing Up

It's been a few months since I've posted. I've been working out of state in a commercial kitchen for three months with limited internet access, and I wouldn't have traded that experience for the world. I've learned so much about myself, about others, and about life.

I don't even know where to begin.

I learned that I really am a social person. Growing up as a child being homeschooled you hear a lot of concern for your 'socialization' and you always wonder a little bit if you fit into your peer groups, but then again, I'm sure that happens to everyone. I used to think that I didn't fit in well with people my age. I worked well with people my parents' age, I am rather mature for my age and can comfortably talk with those older than me. I worked well with people younger than me, because I am mature I realized how much of an influence I have over those younger than me, and tried to use that influence for good, being a leader. But because I am a little more mature, I felt like I didn't mesh very well with most people my age, and that therefore I wasn't a very social person. I was very worried when I left that I would go off by myself a lot, and not interact with the people around me. I was very surprised when I realized that I was spending a lot of time with other people, and hadn't even touched Les Miserables. Talking to some people, I found out that they couldn't even tell that I was homeschooled, like they could with other people they knew. They were even surprised that I, and another girl there were homeschooled. (Proof that just because you're homeschooled, doesn't mean you're awkward, there are awkward public-schoolers too). I discovered that even if I don't talk very much, I still like being around people, and once I get to know someone I really open up.

I learned that it's OK to let yourself loose. I was so uptight and shy when I got there, and it prevented me from connecting with people quickly. I thought I was up there to do a job, and I was going to do it, and do it as well as I could, which meant no goofing off whatsoever. I had a hard time even talking while working because I was concentrating on what I was doing so much. It was through some wonderful people that I learned that I can have fun while working, lighten up, and still get the job done as well or better. It can even make you go faster, which in turn gives you more time to make the job fun. "In every job that must be done there is an element of fun. You find the fun and SNAP! The job's a game!" -Mary Poppins. We had a lot of 'sneaking' dishes into the sink, refusing to get off mats because they were being 'stolen,' arguments about the dark side, and so forth. I learned that you don't have to be totally mature all of the time. Part of maturity is knowing when it is OK to be immature. "...Men are that they might have joy." -2 Nephi 2:25. It's important to be mature and do what is right, but you can still do what is right and have fun. Because I learned to loosen up I created memories that I'll have with me for a long time. I'm now also a trained ninja assassin.

I learned that even if someone bugs you, a lot, you can get over that and still be friends. There were a few people up there that when I first met them really annoyed me. I don't like the feeling of disliking someone, and so I really tried to become friends with them. And you know what? It was really hard. It took a long time, but I learned to look past the things that bugged me, and look for the positive qualities they had. I may not have become really good friends with them, but we did become friends, and even had fun together, at least I think we did... I did at least.

There is so much else I could write about, but I'd better stop now and go have some FUN!

Tender Mercies

I had the opportunity to attend youth conference with my stake this week. I also have had the opportunity to help plan the conference over several months. Because I was in on the planning (I was one of ten youth helping to plan it) I wasn't sure how much I would get out of it because I was in on most of the 'surprises.' But the Lord gave me, and showed me, many tender mercies during this youth conference.

We were split up into 14 'families' of various sizes. I thought that I would know about 4 out of 12 youth in mine, and then two of those people didn't end up coming. There ended up being seven youth in my family (including me) that came, two of which I didn't know. I ended up actually knowing more people than I thought I did, I just didn't recognize them by name. One person I realized later my brother knew a few years ago, and had driven him nuts then. It was a tender mercy to me that I didn't know that, because I got to know them now, without any bias, and found them to be a really nice person (and my brother agrees at this point too).

We had some waterfront time, and I had decided to take my camera on the water so I could take some pictures. I had a plastic bag to put it in to keep it dry if my camera bag happened to get wet. The canoes we were in were lighter than the ones that I'm used to, and therefore aren't as stable. My brother and I happened to be in the same canoe (we didn't plan to do that) with someone else on my 'family.' We were moving along and managed to get someone to ram into us. The boat leaned far to the left, and I tried to shift my weight to the right, but we still tipped too far and the canoe capsized. Fortunately we all had life-jackets on, and were able to stay afloat. The rescue boat came and got us and took us to shore. I took my camera out and realized that water had gotten inside the plastic bag, the same thing happened to my brother. Fortunately the cameras only got wet, and not submerged so they should (hopefully) work okay as long as we get all the moisture out.
I got wondering why the Lord hadn't warned me not to take my camera on the water, but then I realized that I probably wouldn't (or didn't) pay attention to that thought because I had already had decided to take it, and I didn't plan on getting in the water. Fortunately I had planned for getting in the water, and had the bag and had packed extra clothes. I realized that the Lord probably prompted me to remember to put the camera in the bag, because I didn't have it in earlier so I could get to it easier. I either was prompted to take a picture shortly before waterfront, or was just prompted to put it in the bag when we got there, I can't remember which at this point.
I'm grateful that the Lord gave me that tender mercy, so I just have a funny story to tell later without a tragedy connected to it.

I guess I have a thing for high adventure stuff. I went to a leadership camp last month where we did a lot of it. Heights don't seem to bother me if I'm harnessed to a rope with a belay. The main challenge course at the camp we went to is a zip-line (there are other, smaller ones too). I had done the exact course before (they have multiple zip-lines) and so I knew I would do fine on it. I made sure everyone else went before I did so if anyone couldn't do it, it would be someone who had done it before. There were several people who freaked out a little while walking across the beam to get to the zip-line platform or on the platform itself, which was to be expected, heights scare a lot of people, and there were a few who refused to go on the zip-line, and had to get off another way. Because I don't really get freaked out by that I didn't know what I would get out of it besides a fun ride.
I climbed up the telephone pole so fast that the person in front of me was still hooking up to the zip-line when I reached the top, so I had to wait a second to cross the beam. I was wondering if crossing the beam would unnerve me at all, but it didn't seem to phase me. I walked across so fast that the person in front would still be on the zip-line for a minute, so the missionary prepping people for the zip-line had me walk backwards on the beam for fun! That was really cool for me. Then when I could finally go on the zip-line I had a little trepidation before I jumped off, (a good reminder/reassurance that I was still human) but was only standing on the edge for a second before I took a deep breath and jumped as the missionary told me to take a leap of faith. The zip-line was a blast and I got to touch the pole on the other end with my hand, which I couldn't do the last time I had done it.
I was grateful for the several tender mercies I was given in that experience, walking backwards, incredible balance and speed, jumping off so fast, and touching the pole.


The second night of the youth conference we had a testimony meeting. The testimonies that were borne were so touching, and it reassured me that everything we had planned did touch and change people, which I was starting to get anxious about a few days before the conference. There were several people who got up who I would not have expected to get up. I was content to sit and listen because it was so good, though I felt that I could have gotten up too. The stake president finally got up and said that after those who were up to go next were done we would end and go to bed, but we would have another opportunity the next night to bear testimony, which was not scheduled, but we could fit in. The next night was just as good as the last, and testimonies were borne for two hours and ten minutes. As I was sitting on the stand waiting to bear mine, I realized that I had originally wanted to end the youth conference with a testimony meeting, which hadn't worked out, but ended up happening anyway.
This is probably my favorite of all the tender mercies I was given over the youth conference. That I knew that what we had done had made a difference, and that we ended the conference the way I had originally wanted it to end (maybe it was inspiration earlier?).


The Lord loves us so much, and gives us so many tender mercies. If we look for them (not seek, there's a difference) we will see them all around us. The fact that I was able to see all of these is a tender mercy in and of itself. Once I was shown one I was able to find so many more, and it made youth conference all the more special for me. These are just a sample of what the Lord did for me, and I think that I have yet to find all of them from this youth conference. I know that if I just look out for them I will find so many in my everyday life.


What tender mercies have you seen in your own life?

Application

The end of the school year has brought some interesting things to mind, one of which is the ability to apply one's self to the task at hand. Throughout the year I had to do this to keep up with my courses and honed that skill more than I ever had before. Sometimes it was hard because I wasn't very interested in what I needed to do, but I still applied myself and got it done, eventually. I even finished one of my classes a month early!

Then there are my brothers, who had a lot more time on their hands than I did, yet did nearly all their coursework in about a week, the last week or two that they could. They were driving me insane. While I guess they did apply themselves in a different way, it sure caused them a whole lot more stress than if they had done it earlier.

While I know that some people work better under pressure (I know at times I do), I would rather get my stuff done and be able to do other things instead of putting it off and having it weigh on my mind or completely forget it to be reminded of it at the last second. I know that I'm not perfect at it, or else this post would not have been written on the last day of the month, but I try to work on it, and get into whatever it is that I need to do.

I seem to have a real problem of distractions, especially when I'm working on the computer. Even if I am trying to apply myself I can get distracted by thinking I need to look up something, or I haven't really applied myself and I check the news or watch a video from my favorite YouTube channel. The internet is a blessing, but it can also be a curse, depending on how you control your time on it. The problem gets worse if I'm not really into what I'm doing, or don't really know how to proceed. While writing this post I have checked the news, watched YouTube videos, checked my email, and read my previous blog posts, mostly because I knew I wanted to write on this topic, but didn't know where to take it.

I think that one of the biggest enemies to application is procrastination. You think that you can do something later, and then you realize that you put it off to the last minute and you just have to get it done, you can't really put yourself into it anymore. I am so glad that I did something earlier this week that had to be done by the end of the week. I got it done, had fun with it, and I don't have to worry about it anymore, I can put my mind to other things, like writing.

I think that one thing that comes from applying yourself is that you learn something from it. It becomes part of you. The projects I've done that I really applied myself and put part of myself into have stuck better than the ones where I just went through the motions. Projects that I got excited over or had a lot of fun doing have stuck better than the ones that I just had to do to move on in the course. Think about how this principle fits into the definition of the word apply, as in applying a coat of paint. I have found it interesting.

You don't even have to really enjoy something to apply yourself to it, you may want a skill, but it might not be the most pleasant experience to gain that skill. For instance, I decided almost two years ago that I wanted to learn how to type. My sister got a learn to type program/game for school, and I started using it too. It was definitely geared to younger kids, but I still found it useful. I didn't master typing from that program, in fact, I didn't go through the whole thing, I got stuck on the shift key and couldn't get past it, but I learned which fingers press which keys, and I started using the home row method while typing other things. It has been very frustrating at times, and sometimes I have to look at the keyboard still, but I usually keep my fingers where they belong now, instead of only using my index fingers. While writing this post I have tried not to look at the keyboard, and succeeded for the most part. I should probably see what my WPM (Words per Minute) is now, and maybe see if I can finish that game now. It's been a slow process, and I'm still nowhere near proficient, but I'm glad that I've worked on this skill.

Hey, look at that! I finally applied myself to this post and it got written really fast and I enjoyed it too! What's something that you have applied yourself to that you're proud of? Leave me a comment!

Life After Death

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine passed their little 3 year-old boy into his Heavenly Father's arms after a battle with leukemia. I had heard something the week before indicating he was really not doing well, and wondered if it might only be a matter of time. I still wasn't prepared for it when I heard that he had passed, it wasn't a surprise, but it still gave me some shock. Because my mom is the funeral coordinator for the ward I was involved in getting ready for the luncheon. I was busy enough that it didn't really sink in for the first few days.

I never cry at funerals. I think I may have forced tears at my great-grandmother's funeral, but I was still kind of young. I didn't think that I would be crying at this one at all and didn't have any Kleenex, which ended up being a mistake. I was getting choked up during the opening hymn, “I Know That My Redeemer Lives” (#136 in the LDS hymnbook), The message was just so beautiful. It is sad that he did not get to live a long, full life. But it is such a blessing to know that he will live again, and that his parents will have the opportunity to raise him. I could also barely sing the closing hymn, “Families Can Be Together Forever” (#300) It's sad that his sisters won't grow up with him, and I know that they miss him, but it is a comfort to know that they can be with him eternally after this life.

It is such a blessing to know that he is no longer suffering, and has, as the hospice nurse quoted him as saying, “no more owies.” That family will have a little angel watching over them. His father miraculously was able to speak at the funeral, and said that he believes that little children like that volunteered to have a 'broken body' and go through all that suffering, and are too pure to stay on the earth. Honestly, that family is such a strength to me. I can't, and don't want to, imagine what they must be going through right now. They are carrying through with so much courage, and I know it is the Lord that holds them up. The mother was telling a group I was in a story about how she had to comfort someone she had told about her son. They know that they have an eternal family, and that they will be able to raise their son during the millennium. This is one of the many things that brings them strength.

It is quite interesting having this happen during the Easter season. It has given me a real reason to rejoice in the reason for the holiday. I mean, it was still applicable before, but I can really see now how much comfort the message brings now. The miracle of the resurrection, and the hope for a better life in the hereafter. So many times when I have thought of the resurrection I have thought of this little boy and his family. The passing of a child really makes you wake up to an eternal perspective.

I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that because he lives this little boy, and everyone else, can live again. Death is not the end, it is merely a step in the process to Eternal Life. Families can be together forever. I know that God has plans for each of us. I know that He loves each and every one of us, and knows us by name. I know that He cares, and will give us those things that we need. I know that if we are faithful we can be like Him someday. I say these things in the name of my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, amen.

'Tis a Gift to Be Simple

Every week my family attends a class about an hour and a half away. The past few weeks I have been taking a laptop to work on assignments during the drive. I didn't have anything due this time, just a book to finish for class next week. I read that on the way to class while it was still daylight, but it was dark when we left so I was not able to read the last six pages. I'll finish it when I'm done here :-). I was going to pull out the laptop so I could do some pleasure writing (like, my blog!), but my mom suggested that since we were in a more rural area I look at the stars until we got back to the city area and couldn't see them anymore. I agreed with her and did some stargazing from our van.

It is amazing how beautiful little white dots on a dark background are. I have always loved the stars, but don't normally get to see them for all the light pollution where I live. At girls' camp I have never missed a stargazing night, even though you only have to go during your fourth year. The first time I went the person teaching did such an awesome job, and knew so much, that I was hooked. While in the car I didn't recognize any constellations besides Orion, (I really only know summer constellations from camp) it was still amazing to see how many stars I could see just outside my window. My younger sister was looking too and said that she saw a bunny in the stars, after she said that I happened to see a cluster that resembled a carrot.

Looking at the stars reminded me of one of my family's favorite scenes from a movie:

" Pumbaa: Timon?
Timon:     Yeah?
Pumbaa: Ever wonder what those sparkly dots are up there?
Timon:     Pumbaa. I don't wonder; I know.
Pumbaa: Oh. What are they?
Timon:     They're fireflies. Fireflies that uh... got stuck up on that big... bluish-black... thing.
Pumbaa: Oh. Gee. I always thought that they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away.
Timon:     Pumbaa, wit' you, everything's gas."1 

It's amazing to think about how little things, like stargazing, will bring up memories. Just sitting there, enjoying the stars and the dark, hilly scenery left me with lots of time to think. My mom had just put in our Sting album (the British singer), and the song "When We Dance" started playing. Because we hadn't played that CD since our vacation to California a few months ago, my mind went back to the last specific time I remember hearing it, which was when we were either at, or headed to the beach for the first time for my siblings and I. I think that I am going to correlate that song with the beach for a long time. The funny thing is, if you had asked me what we were listening to when we went there, I probably couldn't have told you, but music tends to stir up memories and emotions that may have been sitting stagnant for a while.

After I finished reminiscing in my flashback, I got thinking about the stars again. I got thinking about how awesome it will be when I can make stars, constellations, and worlds. In my religion (the LDS or 'Mormon' religion) we believe that (in a nutshell) if we live the way we should, repent, get married in the temple and keep our marital covenants, and endure to the end, we will be able to become like God, live with Him again, and become gods and goddesses with the ability to create worlds. I think that is really cool, and I want to live my life in a way that I will be able to do that. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalms 82:6 which relates to that thought. I don't consider myself an extremely creative person, but I still like to create things.

I decided that I liked the feeling of riding in the car on a rural highway in the dark, it reminded me of childhood trips to my grandparent's house, which took three hours and was often in the dark. I began to ponder how amazing it is that we used to take trips like that a lot, and didn't have much to do, but were fine with the long drive (as long as we had a pit stop or two). Now I, and some of my family, had a hard time with this weekly drive we take. My brother kept bothering my mom to give him the iPad because he didn't have anything to do. I wanted to do stuff on the computer. I decided then that I would not pull out the laptop, and would contently look out the window.

Sometimes it is a good thing to be able to be amused or awed by the simple things in life, like the stars, a favorite quote from a movie, or recalling memories from small things. I think today we get so caught up in all this technology that we don't stop to think about the little things in life. We don't stop to smell the roses, we don't take the time to just find a book and read, we don't write a letter to a friend, we don't stop and dance when our favorite song is playing on the radio, we don't stop to take the time to write down our thoughts (I find myself kicking myself over this one a lot). There are so many small and simple ways that we could be taking a break and enjoying life, but we never stop in this ever moving world to take advantage of all the couple minute, or even second things that have the ability to refresh us.

I hope we all can find the time to take advantage of the simple things that make life pleasant. What are some of the simple things that make your life more enjoyable? Leave me a comment!

Resolutions

So, I should have written this post last month, but I didn't. There's a resolution I need to work on. I like the new way I'm doing resolutions this year. The past few years I've tried to review if I worked toward a resolution or not every so often, and this year I'm still doing that, but I'm also not setting as many goals to meet, but things to work on. At the end of the year I'll review, like I do every year, but instead of checking off whether I did it or not, I'll rate myself on how well I did it.

For instance, because right now I'm terrible about going to bed at a decent hour, I have a resolution to "Get on a better sleep schedule and keep it." If I start going to bed better and keep doing that, I'll give myself a 10. If I start doing that late in the year, I'll probably give myself a 9-7. If I start mid-year and stop in October, I'll give myself a 7-5. If I occasionally go to bed well throughout the year, I'll give myself a 4-2 for effort. If I fail epically, I give myself a 1 (lowest possible) and try again next year.

Using this format I can see how well I did things, and either congratulate myself, or determine I need to work on it again the next year. I did this rating system for last year's resolutions, and for the most part, if it was under 5 I put it back on my list, or decided that it wasn't really a priority anymore. Some resolutions I might have done 'well' on I revised and made more specific because I felt that resolution didn't help me as much as I had anticipated. I like this version much better than a check or X system because then I can recognize that I made an effort on that resolution, and if a resolution isn't exactly something that you can 'accomplish' then you can rate on how well you improved yourself.

For instance, last year I resolved to work on my writing skills. I didn't do much until after summer, when the classes I was taking required me to improve them, but in my mind they still improved immensely. I gave myself a 7 and decided that it didn't need to be a resolution again this year, I had done most of what I had intended to do. If anything I revised it and changed it this year to "Blog monthly (at least)." I gave myself a specific thing to do, not just a vague goal. Granted, I got off to a rocky start, but at least I can still aim for a 9 (because perfection is out of reach at this point) but I don't have to say 'Oh well, failed that one! Guess I won't even try anymore the rest of the year.' I can still try to achieve a high score, it just won't be perfect.

I like to be somewhat specific in my resolutions, and I'm learning when it needs to be more specific. What does 'Get organized' mean? Use 'organize/clean ___name of location___' instead, it will be easier to measure. Put the name of a room or a specific shelf, not 'the house,' start with small chunks and as you get better you can make bigger goals without totally overwhelming yourself. For several years I've resolved to "Write in journal regularly," but found that evidently 'regularly' was equating to once a month. I still technically was doing it, but it defeated the point. This year I finally woke up and changed it to "Write in journal weekly (at least)" and have managed to stick to it so far.

This year I actually have the least amount of resolutions that I have since I started. I decided I was going to work on fewer things a little harder. I have 9 this year, last year I had 16 (17 if you count the "Survive Dec 21st" one I jokingly made). I think it makes it a little more achievable, and you have less to try to focus on. I also prioritize my resolutions and then (try to) run through them in my head every night and see how I did on each of them that day. Because I go in order of priority, if I fall asleep before I make it through the list I at least reviewed on how I did on the most important ones (which sometimes equates to "go to bed better, nope! Zzzz).

If you haven't made any resolutions for this year you still can, only two months have passed so far, that still leaves 10 months in the year, why wait that long to make goals to improve yourself? If you need to, resolve to write next year's resolutions in December, I've done that before, and the knowledge that I resolved to do that helped me make sure I got some written the next year. I've gotten to the point I don't need that anymore, but it made sure I kept going and made it so I had to remember what I had resolved. Oh, and make sure you write them down and put them in a place you will remember where they are, you won't remember them otherwise. It took me a few weeks to memorize my list, (I wasn't working on it that hard) and I find every now and then that I wasn't remembering exactly what I wrote down, I was changing the words so it meant something slightly different.

If anyone has more tips on resolutions, please post them in the comments! (because I have so many people reading my blog :-P)

Happy resolution keeping!

The Thought-Provoking Sherlock Holmes

Last Sunday I watched the last episode of season 2 of the BBC Masterpiece series Sherlock. It is a modern day Sherlock Holmes, which makes it extremely interesting. At the end of the episode, Sherlock's life is at stake to save his friends. (Sorry to those of you whom that last sentence was a shock in any way) It ended so dramatically, and there was such a mystery at the end, I was excited for days about it. I was thinking about the amazing acting, the mystery, why I only watch British television, how they don't start filming for next season until January (so I've heard), and why people will risk their lives for different things.

That last thought was actually the first one that came to mind. For some reason this thought keeps coming back to me over and over again. I can think of it in many different ways: bravery, self-sacrifice, and courage in the face of death. Why will people risk their lives for something? I can think of several examples.

A while ago I had the opportunity to see the opera The Magic Flute, at one point, Tamino, one of the main characters, has to be blindfolded to start a series of unknown trials in order to marry the girl he loves. His new-found friend, Papageno, is terrified and tries (unsuccessfully) to resist. The actor who portrayed Tamino stood there, waiting to be blindfolded. There was fear in his eyes. (Kudos to the actor for great acting!) That struck something in me, and it keeps coming up every now and then. There are several examples in the scriptures of this same thing, being willing to go through something that might involve death. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego and the fiery furnace, Daniel and the lions' den, Abinadi and king Noah and his priests, Alma and Amulek preaching to the people of Ammonihah, Joseph Smith, and many others. Sherlock Holmes even risks his life several times in the original cases. I'm going to read The Final Problem today, and wanted to post beforehand, so I didn't have something else to think about, as I know the basic idea of what happens at the end, but not the details. I don't know why I keep thinking about this, I'm just glad I have an eternal perspective and know there is life after death. I know this is one reason the people in the scriptures were able to do what they did, which makes me wonder what the fictional characters would be thinking.

I went to a cemetery where my great-grandparents are buried on Monday, and had some interesting thoughts. It didn't seem creepy like people normally picture cemeteries, it was peaceful, and almost, happy. I was talking about it with my parents afterwords, and they said it was because I had an eternal perspective, and I have more friends than enemies there. I also thought it was odd that even though I was standing at my great-grandparents' grave, I didn't feel connected there. I figured out later that it is also because I have an eternal perspective, and even though their bodies are there, their spirits aren't necessarily.

As I've been thinking, I started to wonder why it is I pretty much only watch British TV, I like some of the Masterpiece series, (others are just weird in my opinion) and I like Doctor Who. I know there is other British TV, but this is what I chose to watch through my PBS station. I think a lot of  it has to do with the values in the shows. In Doctor Who, the Doctor is always battling evil, in Sherlock, pretty much the same thing. (although for different reasons) They also are clean for the most part. (one of the Sherlock episodes was kind of iffy) They have a nice blend of  funny and serious. They also are not violent for the sake of being violent, they only fight when they have to. (which is one reason I heard Jackie Chan is retiring from action movies, but that's another story) They also are not very gory, Sherlock does have some blood, but I can't think of a time off the top of my head when Doctor Who does. Thinking about it further, they both have incredibly intelligent title characters, and their friends who try to keep up. I think another aspect of it is, I don't find the need to watch TV all the time, and so I pick and choose what I watch, and these are the shows I pick. I actually don't watch Doctor Who very much anymore because it is on at an inconvenient time.

I started reading the original cases after watching the show, partially to relieve my mind of the mystery left at the end of the show, but also because the show piqued my interest into the books. They are really quite interesting. I find it is kind of fun to find similarities between Holmes and I. Some I have noticed are: We both play violin, (although he plays much better than I do!) when we are busy, we don't eat until we are starving and really need something, or are forced to have a break, and evidently we both think it is handy to have a pistol in some situations. Funny story! I was getting ready to go on a hike, and as I was filling up a water bottle I was thinking: "What else should I grab to be prepared? Watson, would you grab a pistol? What?!?" I have no idea why I thought that I might need a pistol, I must have been reading too much Sherlock Holmes.

Something else I have noticed while reading is how much of the character of the language is seeping into how I write, think, and talk. I am glad is is more refined. I get excited whenever I need to pull out the dictionary to find out what an unfamiliar word means. I love to expand me vocabulary! It has really gotten me back into reading. I had hit a dearth and wasn't reading very much. The ironic thing is it was partially my schoolwork that was preventing me. I am really glad to be reading again!

Ah well, (there's that character seeping out!) I should stop rambling now and read. The first case I read today is supposedly the one that introduces Mycroft. I'm excited!

Higher Education

With graduation here, I'm getting some of the most annoying questions asked of me over and over again. "How do you graduate?" and "What are you doing for college?"

The problem here is there are so many options, I don't know!

The question that needs more answering here is the college question. Depending on that answer, we can continue onto the graduation question. I know it's kind of backwards, but that's how it has to be done because what you want to do later determines what you have to do now to get there.

Right now, I'm leaning towards not going to college and entering the workforce instead. This is a whole lot cheaper, and honestly, I don't know that college is worth it. That is a lot of time, energy, and money to spend. And what do you get for it? A piece of paper and facts pounded into your head. The question is, how much are those facts and piece of paper worth? I'm thinking, not as much as they cost. How far does a degree really get you now days? Unemployment among college graduates is rising. That makes it really difficult to pay off student debt.

How much of that information could you learn, filtering out the stuff you didn't want to learn, from reading? If you want to learn about something, I would like to re-write a common phrase: there's a BOOK for that! You know, those things with pages? That you turn, and the paper has words on it? Yeah, those things! You can learn so many things from books. You just need to know what ones to read, and how to read them. Fictional literature can be educational if you know how to read and apply it. Here are some things that can help in this endeavor:

A colloquium group helps you see things you may not have noticed or paid much attention to while reading, and helps you expand those ideas you had while reading. I started participating in a colloquium group with adults when I was twelve. It was an amazing thing. Even when we got off topic, there were still great thoughts being shared. I learned some things I would not have without doing that. A colloquium group is not the same as a book group. You discuss ideas from books or articles as opposed to story lines. You have a moderator that keeps the discussion moving, and talk about the how, the why, what the author was trying to get at, and other like minded things. I wish I had the opportunity to do this now that I'm more mature and understand things better.

A mentor is another useful resource. A mentor can guide you to what books you should read, ask you questions about what you are reading to get you thinking, give you assignments to apply what you are learning or to learn more, and be there to ask questions of to help you understand something you are not grasping.

Another thing I have found useful is writing. I have been enamored by something this past week and a half, (which I should be posting about tomorrow, or I will not be happy with myself!) and had just started writing in my journal again just before the inciting incident. It has been so useful to write down what I've been thinking and in so doing it has made me think more, and my thoughts have been more organized. It has also helped me think more critically, and has made me come to some realizations. I filled almost a quarter of my journal in a week with how much I have been writing in it. It is interesting because I have been reading an older English book, (about turn of the century) some of the characterization of the language has seeped into what I write. Because I think faster than I write, It makes me think more about what I am writing. Then of course sometimes I think much faster than I am writing, and leave out something, and then I have to add an addendum to what I wrote because it doesn't make sense without it. And then there are those times you leave what you are writing for a moment, but are still thinking about what you were writing, and then when you come back you can't remember what you decided as you were gone that you were going to write! Like right now. That is so annoying. Ah, that's what it was. Writing is also helpful because you keep a record of what you have learned and what you were thinking. Then you can come back to it at some later point.

One thing I think affects your learning is what music you listen to while you are reading/learning. I find listening to classical music helps me think, doesn't distract me, and keeps me from getting distracted form outside influences. When I listen to my pop music, (about 80s or older, I don't care for the stuff from this decade) I find it harder to concentrate. (So what does that indicate about my brother listening to "The Song that Doesn't End" while doing math?)

A combination of these things is what I think you need for a higher education. For some people, they can get this at a college, and it will be worth it to them. You need to prayerfully decide what is best for you. Right now, I think what is best for me is to work, use the resources I have listed above, and take some free courses from MIT as described here. I value learning and education, but I don't know that I need to spend thousands of dollars on expensive college classes. I can spend that money on other things, such as necessities and books, not get into deep debt, and do things for little or no cost.

Wedding Observations

I had the opportunity to attend a couple wedding receptions with some of my family this month. As both marriages were in an LDS temple, and both receptions were in a ward building, it was rather interesting to see the differences between the two.

The first one I went to was for a friend whom we met through political campaigns who is closer to thirty than to twenty. When we arrived, the first thing we saw was the car that had (of course) been vandalized. I was rather appalled at some of the things that had been written on it. One of the more tame things that was written on the car was "Guess what we're doing tonight?"
    When we got into the church, I was surprised at how low the ceiling in the cultural hall was. It turned out that there was material draped from the walls to the middle of the room. It looked rather nice actually, it was just weird at first glance. After we went through the reception line, we went to the refreshment tables. They had a lot of different options there. After we got our food, we sat at a table where there was room for us to sit. We didn't know anyone sitting there, and only talked to them a little bit. Everyone we knew was sitting at another table that was full.
    They had some music playing in the background, and it changed to a song I don't like, and got louder. They announced that it was time to throw the bouquet. My mom made me get up and go over. I was really uncomfortable because I didn't like the song that was playing, I didn't know the bride, and I didn't know any of the people who were going to try to catch it. Then, she ended up throwing it before I could get to where everyone was standing because someone was in the road trying to take a picture of their daughters. I was perfectly fine with that. Then the music changed to something that I didn't know, but I still didn't like because it sounded really suggestive. The bride sat down so the groom could get the guarder, that whole thing was not done very tastefully in my opinion. Shortly after was the send off for the couple with sparklers, and then most everybody left.

The second one I went to was for one of my homeschooled friends who is not much older than me. Opening the announcement was a shock to me!
    First thing we saw when we got there was a group of my friends standing outside chatting. We went through the reception line, chatting with both families. After the reception line, we went over to the dessert table, they had cheesecake with syrup on top. We didn't even sit down, we just stood while talking to some other friends.
    They cut the cake, (another cheesecake :-)) and then said they were going to toss the bouquet. My dad put his arms around me, preventing me from going for the moment. Then he let me go so I could join the group. After the toss, they announced that they were going to have a dance, first with the bride and her father, then the bride and groom. Then they opened it up to anyone who would like to dance. I talked to people some, I danced when I was asked to, I watched with the bride's roommate the little video that she had made for the reception.
    Eventually it came time to send off the couple, with bubbles. The theme of the marriage had been how the couple was becoming a king and queen in Zion. The car had a giant crown on the top of it. It was really fun, but they stopped after a few yards so they could clean off the windshield so the groom could see. The notes on the car were much cleaner than the ones at the previous reception. After they left, we chatted with some friends in the parking lot, then lots of people went inside to help clean up.

Some interesting things we observed between the two receptions:

• The first one almost seemed more for show than anything else, the second one was more of a celebration of the union between the two families.
• The music at the first one seemed to imply 'you're hot' while the music at the second one was more of a 'I really, truly love you'.
• The cars were obviously very different from each other. I decided that if my car had the things on it the first one did, I would not get in the car. The first one would have been easier to clean up, as the second one had Oreos, balloons, cardboard (which ended up falling off anyway), and maybe another thing or two besides the window marker and cans behind the car. I would prefer to get in the second car with all that then the first one with all the messages that were on it. Although, for my wedding, my dad is going to help us hide the car, and it will not be vandalized.
• The helpfulness of people afterwards said a lot about how much people cared about the families in my opinion.

Don't get me wrong, the people in both couples are great people, it was just very interesting to see the differences between the two receptions.

When it comes to that time in my life, I would rather have a reception like the second one. Minus the car. It actually is the first reception I have been to that they have had dancing. And I have been to a fair amount of receptions. (Although, there is one I didn't make it to a while ago that I highly suspect had dancing, the parents of the bride there are very big into ballroom) I love ballroom dancing, and I think I would like to have that at my reception, but I might say in the announcement when the dancing starts.

Those are my thoughts on that subject. Hopefully I will post again soon, since it has been over two months since I last posted. I already have some thoughts in mind that I think I would like to share, albeit on very different subjects.

Education in Grassroots

We recently had our neighborhood caucuses for our state. My mother was precinct chair and spent a long time preparing for the caucus and meeting candidates. I was looking forward to caucus even though I am not old enough to participate. My brother and I spent a long time checking people in, there were a lot of people there.

The first election was the precinct chair. My mother ran for it again, and also the person who had been chair before her, who had told people last caucus to vote for my mom. It was mentioned that this position came with a state delegate position, so the question was asked who they would vote for at convention. My mom said that she didn't want our current senator back, he has been there long enough, and longer than the senator who was before him when he said the other senator had been there too long. She was leaning towards another candidate, but was still in the deciding process. The other person said they were not happy with all the out of state money that was trying to get our senator out, and that they supported the senator.

When the votes were tallied, my mom had lost by about 30 votes out of about 150. A lot of people had been getting phone calls saying to go support the senator at your caucus, and so lots of people did. After my mom said she didn't support the senator, many people would not vote for her for anything. She didn't get vice chair, which doesn't even have a state delegate spot, she didn't get any state delegate spot, in fact, we were surprised when another person who supported the same person my mom was leaning toward was elected a state delegate. My guess is that because they have served as a local leader in our church they were voted in. Somebody suggested that my mom be secretary, which she didn't want to do. The only thing she was elected to was a county delegate. We were depressed for several days after all the work we had gone through to make sure it ran smoothly and on getting the word out so people would get there, just to be pushed aside with no thought as to what we had done.

The main problem here is the people were not educated. They came not having a clue who was in any of the races other than our senator who they were told to support because lots of out of state money was being spent to get him out. The kicker is, the phone calls they were getting were paid for by an out of state organization that nobody knows who is behind it. Most of the people didn't take the time to research the candidates, most of them will believe anything the establishment tells them.

We have been getting mailers for and against the senator for several weeks, and it is interesting looking at the reasons that are being made. We got a large booklet from someone against the senator listing several things he has done, a little bit later we got another large booklet for the senator refuting what had been mentioned in the other booklet. The interesting thing I noticed was that the information could be twisted depending on how you look at it. For instance, it was said that the senator had voted for several things that were not good for the country, it was refuted that he did not vote for the final bill. His voting very well could have caused the bill to progress further in the earlier stages.

One thing that worries me is that the person who was elected chair did not know that the senator had voted for NDAA, nor did they even know what that was. For those of you that don't know, that act makes it possible for you to be arrested, and not charged with anything, totally taking away your Habeas Corpus rights. I admit I need to look into the bill a little further, and do some research of its constitutionality, but from what I can tell so far, it is not constitutional, and it worries me. I am so tired of the people in Washington D.C. trampling the constitution down over and over and over again. It bothers me that our president thinks that the constitution is obsolete. How is it obsolete!?! The principles it was founded on did not change!

What we need is educated voters. Educated on the candidates, educated on the issues, and most importantly, educated on the constitution. A few books I suggest are The 5000 Year Leap and The Making of America,  both by Cleon Skousen. I have learned so much from The Making of America. One thing I like about it is it takes the constitution in small chunks, and tells you what that part means, the discussion on it during the constitutional convention, and how it affects our country. I do have to give you fair warning though, the section on the 16th amendment is very depressing. It made me sick. Not because of what was said about it, (although, how it was said what it does was a rude awakening) but because of how it came about.

Wow, I had no idea where I would get here, I hope this was enlightening for you. This is an area I feel strongly about. Sometimes I want to give up on politics, but then I think, "If I leave this arena, who will be left?" The answer is not a pretty one; those that don't care, those who are uneducated, those who are indoctrinated, and those who are power-hungry.

Loneliness

Do you ever get the feeling that there is no one around you and you feel like you don't have anything to do? I'm in that mood, so I decided to blog since I haven't in a while.

I'm feeling rather alone and left out right now. I'm not taking any classes that require me to leave the house right now, (aside from seminary) and everything I try to do I can't. I wanted to try out for the local high school's play, since I already knew a little of it, but when I went to sign up for auditions, I found out I couldn't because I am enrolled (distance) in another school with a drama program. There goes that idea. I found out today that someone I know got the part I thought I would get if I did it with the other group. That made me kind of sad for myself. I'm happy for them, but to quote that character: "So sad to be all alone in the world."

Someone else made a suggestion about something which I thought was stupid and offensive. And then they kept going on about it. It made me mad, and I was the only one that seemed to be getting mad about it. I seem to be the only one in a lot of situations, and I've noticed that people don't like to sit by me. I don't know what it is, I often am one of the first people to lots of things, and then nobody will sit by me. I went to one event where I was one of the first people there, then we were kicked out so the people who were putting on the event could practice one last time. My brother and I saved our seats and went out. We were some of the last people in because I was talking to someone and I don't like walking through crowds. There were more people on the row we were sitting on, except the seat next to me. Then, right before it started, everybody that was sitting next to me left to sit somewhere else. After a break, everyone else that was sitting on our row was gone too.

I think I also have the problem that I'm very reserved and don't sit next to people unless I know them, and then even then I will sit somewhere else. I think part of my problem is I have a really hard time thinking of things to talk about. Some people I can talk with for hours, once we get started, but I have a really hard time getting started unless it is someone I know really well, or they start the conversation. Especially if it has been a long time since I have seen them. "So what have you been up to lately?" "I don't know, lots of things." "Oh, ok. What are you reading right now?" "Nothing much, how about you?" "Oh, nothing much, the same book I've been reading for months." I seem to have a lot of conversations like this, unless I know I have something in common with them that is more unusual, like bees.

The funny thing is, I seem to be able to talk with adults much better than most youth. I guess part of it is I would consider myself more mature than most youth, at least that I am around most, and so adults are more on my level. Also, adults seem to accept me for who I am more than most youth do. They also seem to appreciate my willingness to work and get things done. Besides finding more efficient ways to do things. I felt hurt when just a little bit ago, a youth got mad at me and told me I couldn't do something anymore that someone else asked me to do. I had agreed earlier that I shouldn't volunteer to do it anymore, so others could have a chance to learn how to do it, but I had been asked to do it, I didn't volunteer to.

Another problem is, most the people that I am with most of the time, I have such differing views with, that I couldn't have a conversation with them about something I am interested in, like education, music, or politics, without worrying that I will offend them and get in an argument where I am getting slammed because they will not listen. I have been in that situation enough times I have a pretty good idea of how it will turn out. The people I have similar views with I see about every two months, give or take.

These are the thoughts I have on this subject right now. Sorry if I seem to be long winded.

Dedication

I have been taking a theater class at our local theater. I found out that at the start of the new semester, my class of three is being combined with another class that is supposedly the same age, that is at a different time. The problem is, it's not really the same age, but a younger class (at least for me), and I can't make it with the new time.

It is just another thing I have done where I have been dedicated to something, and then left in the dust. Although this is probably one of the worst situations I have been in. I have been involved in several things it seems that I have put a lot of time and energy into, and others have not which caused problems. I think part of the problem is people don't want to be dedicated to something, or they are really busy with other things so they can't be dedicated to it.

One person in my class pretty much dropped out the week we had our first performance. They never really seemed dedicated to the class, it was just something they were doing. Fortunately one of my teachers realized this might be a problem and had someone else learn their lines a few days before the performance. This left us with three people total in our class. The other people in my class wanted to do a full production of a play next semester, and we knew it wasn't going to work with three people. We looked at our options, and ultimately it was decided by the teachers to combine classes. I am left in the dust. Merry Christmas.

I had thought hard about taking this sort of class before the semester started. I had originally wanted to take a Shakespeare class, but I was the only one to sign up. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this class because I hadn't done musical theater in a long time. I don't like to sign up for lots of things, and before now I didn't know why. I think the answer is I am always dedicated to the things I do, and in my subconscious want to make sure I can still be dedicated to the new thing, as well as what I am already doing.

There have been several times I have been in a play and everyone has been told to memorize lines for next week, and then the next week I am the only one with anything memorized. I know being able to memorize easily is a contributing factor, but it still always surprises me.

Now I have to find something else to do for next semester.

Refinement and Etiquette

This last weekend I had the opportunity to attend an etiquette simulation. I know when most people hear etiquette they think of table manners. There is so much more to it than that! I think one of the first places I heard the word etiquette was when I was learning to play tennis as a child, such as not walking behind someone while they are playing as it can be distracting.

The way etiquette was described at this event is making sure those around you feel comfortable and valued. This is made much easier if you can remember who you are, and who everyone else is, children of God. I know some girls have a hard time accepting chivalry, they need to remember who they are, and why boys want to respect them. Everyone has the opportunity to be kings and queens. In a nutshell, the word king came about originally came about from the word gen which changed into kin. This word was the base for the verb kinning which was shortened to the noun king. The first kings were the leaders of a family. The duties of  kings and queens are to be givers and protectors of life. chivalry is one way men fulfill their kingly duties.

We had a class on language which I found very interesting and eye-opening. I don't use foul language, and that wasn't really brought up, what was more brought up was how we use language, and what we are actually saying. The thought was brought up about sarcasm, and how we shouldn't use language that degrades people, even if we don't mean it, and the people to whom we are talking know it. The topic was also brought up about how some of the common slang language today is oxymoronic. Such as when you might say "dude, that was sick!" or "that was wicked!" As one person pointed out, we are calling evil good, and good evil. That really stuck out to me.

Another class we had was on critical conversations, and how they may affect things, and how to handle them well. How we need to talk things out instead of bursting out in anger or giving the silent treatment.

One class I thought was really interesting was a class on body language, and how we can read other people's body language to figure out how we can make them comfortable. Such things as watching their body language  to see how comfortable they are with how close we are. Also how to have a general idea of how and what a person may be thinking about by looking at their eyes. That made me think about how I may be thinking or feeling. Also how I need to look people in the eyes more often when I am talking to them so it doesn't seem like I am disinterested. For whatever reason I find it awkward to look people in the face when I am talking to them. Something I need to work on.

At the end we talked about general etiquette rules. It was really cool to hear guys' opinions on some of the rules. It was also cool to hear about some of their experiences over the couple days of the simulation. One topic that was brought up was standing up whenever a girl walks into a room or to or from the table. It will be interesting to see what my brother does at Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow as he also attended the simulation.

One person at my table at our banquet made the comment to the effect of 'imagine if everyone could be like we are tonight.' I agree with her, society is going downhill fast. A return to proper etiquette and refinement I believe would help solve a lot of the world's problems.

I will probably write more about this later, I just wanted to start really blogging and this had just happened.