Loneliness

Do you ever get the feeling that there is no one around you and you feel like you don't have anything to do? I'm in that mood, so I decided to blog since I haven't in a while.

I'm feeling rather alone and left out right now. I'm not taking any classes that require me to leave the house right now, (aside from seminary) and everything I try to do I can't. I wanted to try out for the local high school's play, since I already knew a little of it, but when I went to sign up for auditions, I found out I couldn't because I am enrolled (distance) in another school with a drama program. There goes that idea. I found out today that someone I know got the part I thought I would get if I did it with the other group. That made me kind of sad for myself. I'm happy for them, but to quote that character: "So sad to be all alone in the world."

Someone else made a suggestion about something which I thought was stupid and offensive. And then they kept going on about it. It made me mad, and I was the only one that seemed to be getting mad about it. I seem to be the only one in a lot of situations, and I've noticed that people don't like to sit by me. I don't know what it is, I often am one of the first people to lots of things, and then nobody will sit by me. I went to one event where I was one of the first people there, then we were kicked out so the people who were putting on the event could practice one last time. My brother and I saved our seats and went out. We were some of the last people in because I was talking to someone and I don't like walking through crowds. There were more people on the row we were sitting on, except the seat next to me. Then, right before it started, everybody that was sitting next to me left to sit somewhere else. After a break, everyone else that was sitting on our row was gone too.

I think I also have the problem that I'm very reserved and don't sit next to people unless I know them, and then even then I will sit somewhere else. I think part of my problem is I have a really hard time thinking of things to talk about. Some people I can talk with for hours, once we get started, but I have a really hard time getting started unless it is someone I know really well, or they start the conversation. Especially if it has been a long time since I have seen them. "So what have you been up to lately?" "I don't know, lots of things." "Oh, ok. What are you reading right now?" "Nothing much, how about you?" "Oh, nothing much, the same book I've been reading for months." I seem to have a lot of conversations like this, unless I know I have something in common with them that is more unusual, like bees.

The funny thing is, I seem to be able to talk with adults much better than most youth. I guess part of it is I would consider myself more mature than most youth, at least that I am around most, and so adults are more on my level. Also, adults seem to accept me for who I am more than most youth do. They also seem to appreciate my willingness to work and get things done. Besides finding more efficient ways to do things. I felt hurt when just a little bit ago, a youth got mad at me and told me I couldn't do something anymore that someone else asked me to do. I had agreed earlier that I shouldn't volunteer to do it anymore, so others could have a chance to learn how to do it, but I had been asked to do it, I didn't volunteer to.

Another problem is, most the people that I am with most of the time, I have such differing views with, that I couldn't have a conversation with them about something I am interested in, like education, music, or politics, without worrying that I will offend them and get in an argument where I am getting slammed because they will not listen. I have been in that situation enough times I have a pretty good idea of how it will turn out. The people I have similar views with I see about every two months, give or take.

These are the thoughts I have on this subject right now. Sorry if I seem to be long winded.